Jakey Horror Picture Show

Tonight, for the first time since my junior year, I attended a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This is momentous for a few reasons.

1). It's the first time since I lived in Iowa that I've hung out with people from work (after meeting them at work). I'm weird about hanging out with people from work for some reason. But it's also the first time I've not hated work. I'm really happy working there, and working there has totally fixed my budget for living. That aside, I like my coworkers enough to want to hang out with them.

2). The Rocky Horror Picture Show is full of really vulgar, disgusting, gross people, and it reminded me how nice and fun that crowd was, and why I've been missing that a lot.
Then again, that reason was also a scary look ahead. There were so many high schoolers. I felt the aesthetic distance between me and them for the first time in while, since I wanted to hang around them. It made me feel really creepy. But they were the only ones having a blast and getting up to dance and being gross. I got to be vulgar and gross and accepted once again. Farting into a microphone = Jake's happy release.
Also the NY RHPS cast was amazing. It was the first time I heard someone quote every scripted fan line, and the cast acted out just fun funny scenes.

3). It's the mutha forking Rocky Horror Picture Show! It was fun. I danced and sang. Kissed a cute blonde North Carolinian. It was nice to be around this very neutral sexual crowd, too. Where it was totally horny but in this sorta fun no harm clothed way. People grinding and lap dancing and kissing and laughing. So much fun. I forgot how much fun it is.

4). If there's one thing in particular the Rocky Horror Picture Show crowd is all about, is just letting go of the things that hold you back. Just talking to people, listening to them, laughing with them, it was just a refreshing reminder of the fact that you can't hold on to your bad feelings, or they'll stop you from doing the things you like. It was nice to see it in NYC, too. With so much bitterness abundant in the city, sometimes it's easy to get caught up in bad feelings and hibitions. Tonight I was able to let it all go.

I like the fact that I can get through bitterness instead of it weighing me down. Sometimes lapdances from transexual men can help.

Also, I think that the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday is gay.

Selflessness

It's another late night. I'm not sure what I'm doing up. I have FUSE on, and it's playing songs from a familiar time. I remember things when I watch it. Things from a time that's passed, but also things that haven't. It makes me think of Andrew, Joey, and Julie. It makes me think of Kelsey and Sarah, Becca and Tawnya. Caleb, Ryan, and Forrest. The things we did. And the things I wish I would have done with them. The memories I wished we'd shared.

And then I think about now. Craig, Joey, Jason, Gino, John, Jonathan (pick one), Eric, Michael, Maria, Taylor...the people who have influenced my thoughts, my life, put it in certain directions. Has New York changed me? Why do I keep thinking I know who I am, what I'm comfortable with, and yet feel like I'm being pulled into a different direction? Like despite what I know about myself, that I haven't really let myself go as far as I know I'm able. I just feel like there are boundaries I haven't tested. Things that I haven't done that I want to do. Again. Like:

Go to see one of my old favorite punk bands play like Less Than Jake, The Suicide Machines, or something along those lines (I'd love to find new bands to love, since I hardly listen to anything anymore I feel like)

Get a tattoo/piercing.

Be involved in a mosh pit again

Make music videos with my friends

Sit in a cafe and laugh and talk with a group of friends while having crab rangoon

Go driving in the country and dancing in a field


I came across some of these pictures. Some of the more fun things I remember that made me feel like I have the most amazing life in the universe.


This is a picture of Caleb, me, and Ryan, respectively. It was when we were about to sing in a concert. We just finished with a song, and if I'm right, it was Aura Lee. I miss them, and I miss singing a lot.


This is from the last time I made All-State Speech. That was a great year, since Julie was there, along with Ruth Ann and Jesse. We praised a duck. Oh, that duck. I love, love, love, love improv.


This one is me, Joey, and Julie at post prom in our school gym. So much fun. I couldn't believe that he came with me to my prom. It made me feel so good, even if I was sorta afraid. I'll never forget how hungry I was that night, and how tired everyone was, and how nice it was so snuggle with Joey that morning.

I'm really sad that I couldn't come across pictures of Kelsey and me. Kelsey: If you have any of us, try and send me some!

I don't know if I miss Iowa. I don't know what's going on. I do know that things don't have to stay the way they are. And probably shouldn't. I feel like I'm ALWAYS trying to find myself. I'm just worried. I always feel a little incomplete. What's missing? I know I've felt more complete. There's something I don't have that I used to. And I don't think it's money. But it's something fun I used to do. I dunno.
It's weird when you think you're so old, and you're not. I'm 20, about to be 21. It's crazy. I'm so young, so why can't I do all of this? I should just sleep for now and think about things later.

If I never said it before, I have many dreams. One of them is that when I am rich and famous, I want to build a huge huge house that some of my friends can come and live in with me. I think about that more and more often.